my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
