she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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