I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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