i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
