Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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