life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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