The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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