This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
