i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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