just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
