dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
