Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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