the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
