hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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