i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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