Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize