and you said cock pushups were impossible
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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