Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
