how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
