Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
