You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
