I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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