apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
