I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
