This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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