I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
