I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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