Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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