When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
