If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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