I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
