He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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