If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
