I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
