i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
