he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
