Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
