she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
