I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
