Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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