My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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