M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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