wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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