I seem to have left my pride at pride
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
