I am puke
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
