Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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