Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
