when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
