I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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