you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
