just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize