I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
