On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
