Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize