How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
