Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Floor bacon is actually really good
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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