I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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